The Greatest Show

Anyone seen this show?

This was my marriage, but with the alternative ending. 

Chasing his dream to be an actor, but his family came second and he had an emotional affair with the other lady, and instead of choosing his wife and family and fixing things, he stayed silent. 

I believe his priorities started to change as time went on and that his depression got progressively worse, along with his OCD thought process, and his selfishness.

I say this because it was not always that way. It just got worse with time. One time he would not come out of his movie to help Lydia and I in the parking lot with a broken car. Or the time I gave birth to our youngest on the day that his childhood home was demolished and he said that he regretted not being there, and the time that our brand new baby who never cried was dropped on her head by her sister, no matter what I did she would not stop crying. It was suggested that I take her to instacare, Mitch had the car and he was let out of rehearsal. Instacare told us to go to the ER and the whole way he kept saying how he needed to be at rehearsal and I should drop him off before going to the ER. Our child was falling asleep and could have had a consussion, and all he could think about was rehearsal. The last little while things were moving in a cycle, about every 3rd month things were falling apart, even with therapy. He would come back to this thing about doubting our marriage. I finally could not take it any more and he talked about how we did not have what others have and how he couldn't stand our wedding photos. That was so hard to hear. I tried everything, therapy and communicating , giving him his space, trying to be there more for him. When I finally removed myself emotionally, I found out that I was the only one in the relationship, it felt as though I was the only one holding this together. 

We shared the same therapist and he had us work on communicating, Mitch would not talk to me about acting yet complained that I wasn't supportive enough. I struggled communicating when he would talk to me a certain way, because I would shut down and just go into myself. Which I later learned was what I did when ever I was being gaslighted or put down. CJ our therapist would send me home multiple times with homework, I was to write down my deal breakers. When we got married I told him I did not believe in divorce and that we are to give it our all before that becomes a thing, although my immediate deal breakers were abuse, infidelity (adultery), and leaving the church. Well he was starting to leave the church but I told myself at first that I could be supportive and we could still do this. I could not do it. My children were starting to suffer from that decision and I could see it in their behaviors. This is not the example my children need, and I believe they should have a better influence on how they should be treated as wives. 

I do not write this in anger, but I write this in sadness for all that has had to happen.

There was a talk given in church awhile back called Three Sisters by Dieter F Uchtdorf . 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/10/three-sisters?lang=eng&country=de

It is about 3 sisters. 1 is sad, 1 is mad, and 1 is glad. It was hard not to cry because I used to be the glad sister and saw how I need to be more like her again. I see how I am both the sad and the mad sister. The "medicine" he prescribes for those two sisters I knew is what I needed to do. We need to forgive those that hurt us, it's not an easy road but it is possible. 

Some may look down on me for my decision to get divorced, and you know what, I don't care. I believe God would not let someone stay with another for eternity if it was painful on earth. I saw the workings of the Lord preparing me for this, so how can I deny that. I was given a job that would support me, and my girls could even attend, they pushed me to earn my CDA. Certain friends were put in my path at the right moment, even my new bishop who used to work with lawyers had ties to the lawyer I ended up using, who then my mom recognized. These are only some of the many things I noticed. 

Divorce is no walk in the park, it is hard, it is scary, it is sad, mad, confused, tired, and many other things, but you can make the best of it.

Mitchel and I have our differences and problems but we are doing our best to be the best we can be for our girls.

Ramblings

"Gaslighting

Gaslighting is probably the most "crazy-making" of the forms of emotional abuse. It is a denial of your experiences and your perception of reality. When someone tells you enough times that something you remember didn't happen or that they didn't say a thing you're sure they did, or that you said a thing you're sure you didn't, you begin to believe that your memory is unreliable. And then you begin to depend on that very person to tell you what happened. That is a dangerous place to be in. After experiencing gaslighting, you need to re-learn to trust yourself. The first step is recognizing that this is happening to you.

With gaslighting, information is twisted to favor the abuser. Often, but not always, it is done in a premeditated manner. We have all seen small children twist a story after the fact to get out of discipline, but gaslighting is not the same thing. It is not done to get the abuser out of trouble, but to gain further control over the victim. They may accuse you of being the instigator in a situation when they poked you to get a reaction.

The purpose of gaslighting is to make you start acting like you are out of control. Another sign that you are the victim of gaslighting is if every time you try to talk about your experiences, the other person makes the conversation about them, as though they are the victim of your behaviors, despite you being the one who brought up a grievance. A truly caring partner, friend, or family member will listen to you with compassion and want to help if you feel there is a problem in the relationship.

You should also keep in mind that is stressed, angry, or upset, will cause you to have trouble with your memory of the situation, and this is normal. It does not mean you are crazy if you cannot remember the exact words you or the other person said during an argument. So don't let someone use the results of stress against you."

Don't believe that you have to settle, because you don't! Keep looking, there are still men out there that are unselfish, loving, and kind. 

The End

It's strange how you look back and see how things changed, or how Gods hand has been in your life.

I have not posted on here in a long time.... I've also had family members say I'm not the Tori I used to be and looking back I see it. I want to be that Tori again. Happy, Energetic, Loving, and Spiritual.

Some of you may know and some of you may be shocked to hear but I am divorcing Mitchel.
I want to get it all out right here right now, clear the air, give my story. There are 2 sides to every story and this is just mine.

To me there was a time where he seemed distant, I had a hard time watching him kiss on stage and was working through that. When I was in doubt he always reassured me that I was his one and only, I started to think it was me catastrophizing. We went through a rough patch and started seeing a therapist together, we worked on our communication and we worked on some other plans. I read the book the Respect he deserves and the love she desires and it was a good book to follow, I tried working on those things in my marriage. After some time and feeling that every time he came home he wasn't really home, I started to worry. In Aug a few weeks before our anniversary we went for a walk and had a long talk, where he told me he has doubted our relationship/ marriage since before we were married, how we don't have what others have, and how he dose not like looking at our wedding photos. I proposed to him that we split up for some time but we decided that we would keep trying, I gave him 3 months to get on medication for his depression and his OCD. four months later still no medication and I had to make a decision. I know medication will not solve this marriage issue but he did need to be in a more healthy mind set. I personally felt that there was a lot of talk and not much action. When his brothers found out something they said stood out to me. One of them said if it had anything to do with Katie then he was making a mistake and they could tell he was different too. Wow maybe I wasn't catastrophizing, He's brother noticed something too. I finally asked him straight up if anything ever happened. He said back in Jan 2017 He started having feelings for/ connecting with Katie but it wasn't Katie it was her character Masha. He never acted on his feelings, I believe him, but he still was not connected to me nor did he tell me things so we could work on it. On top of all these things Mitch stopped wearing garments, threw away his temple clothes and stopped attending church. We tried compromising on things but that did not work either. Among other things we did not communicate well, I would close off because I felt like he was gaslighting me.
I'd like everyone to not tell me that "if it ever came down to it toris the one to save the marriage." or other such things similar. It is not my responsibility to save him. Marriage is a two way street. I can not and will not be the only one in it, especially when I am not loved.
I would like to tell others to just support us both in the decision we have made, so we can move on. That's all that we need.

I want everyone to know I have been so happy with this decision and God has put so many people in my life that have lead me to a place where I can be strong and able to support my girls on my own. I am thankful to all my family and friends who have been so supportive as well.

here is a song that describes a bit how I feel.....

It almost seems like yesterday when we came to this place
you were strong and steadfast and our lives were full of faith
as we traveled on our journey thoughts began to wander
I could see you drifting from the living water
By the river where the trees are strong and their leaves are green and do not wither
by the river where the fruit grows sweet in the seasons of our lives.

Oh You know I loved you and all the life we shared
but you're walking towards the desert and I can't go with you there
for I have felt his witness and it's made my roots grow stronger
no you can always find me by the living water.
By the river where the trees are strong and their leaves are green and do not wither
by the river where the fruit grows sweet in the seasons of our lives.
by the river you can always find me.
by the river you can always find me.

Our Pet

So back in August we got this adorable kitten and named him Bagheera after the movie Jungle Book. Lydia and Eden are in LOVE with this cat and even though at first I was back and forth about the thing I'm so glad we have him. I haven't had any allergy issues after the first couple weeks and I love how he snuggles me when Mitchel is gone at work. We got permission to have him in our apartment because we got him now as a comfort animal. Which has been great!!! My family members are not big cat fans and are also allergic, my sis vanna is severaly allergic to cats.... these reasons made me feel bad for getting him at first because I felt that no one would visit me if I got a cat. That was my number one reason why I didn't want a cat. Well I'm getting over that and I freaking love my silly cat! He lets Eden pull him by the tail for a little bit and then will wiggle out of her grasp and walk away. He loves his stupid little clown nose ball, it's like the only thing he plays with and it's not even a cat toy. His favorite place in the house is Edens crib! Most of the time we don't let him in there if she is, so sometimes he sleeps on our bed but he prefers to sleep at my feet.

Birthdays

Lydia is 4!!!! I can't believe she is getting so old!


Lydibug is now in the Pre-Kinder class at Little Wonders North and she is loving every minute of it, I'm so glad she is in that class now. Recently we started lydibug on a chore chart, She has to do her chores as soon as she gets home if she wants to watch any t.v., have a drink, eat, or play. Most of the time she does a really great job without help. Along with chores, I am making her dress herself which was actually hard at first, but now she hardly lets me help. She also started going to SUNBEAMS! hehehe.
Here are some things that she currently loves...
Drink: Juice
Food: Noodles or Kim
Loves watching Netflix (Batman, Mia and Me, My Little Pony)
Loves to COLOR
Loves Horses, Ponies, and Unicorns
Goes to bed really well unless Eden is crying.
Loves to READ.

For her birthday we invited three friends to join us at little wonders south to play on the indoor playground and it was so much fun!!!! She LOVED it. We had a little cake celebration with just our little family and she was so excited to receive a letter from Grandma and Grandpa Hill. She decided to use her birthday money to buy a CareBears Chutes and Ladders game. From her friends she got a Dora backpack, doctor kit, makeup/ nail polish, bubbles.

Tori that's me turned 25. We had friends over for dinner and played some board games together, My fav part was cheese cake! The following day I demanded a birthday/date due over and we went to Firehouse Pizzeria and they gave me a huge Fazzoookie!! I had a great time being alone with Mitch with out any children!

Christmas

We had a very enjoyable christmas and we were VERY BLESSED by so many people who gave us the means to have a christmas! Thank you to everyone that helped!

Families are Forever

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the Provo Temple with my parents and some of my sisters and their husbands. This was a special occasion because my mom Sealed her dad to his adoptive family, then sealed Him and His wife together, and then my mom got sealed to her parents for 

TIME AND ALL ETERNITY.

The spirit was amazing in the Temple and I am so proud of my mom and happy for her to be able to do this and be eternally connected with her family! 

Love you mom!

 Thank you for letting us stay with you for a few days. For playing with my girls and for taking me to the Hospital while i was down there. LOVE YOU BOTH!